So I’ve been inspired recently by many lovely, inspiring people over on my Instagram (happymothernature) to talk more openly about my mental health. About my experience with depression and anxiety. I’m by no means an expert but I have (and still do) suffered with both and would like to share my story, just so if anything you can feel a little less alone, a little less crazy. Because it’s not crazy, it’s real.
Let’s start with Anxiety (there will be a post on depression to follow). Now, a little while back I would never had said I suffered with anxiety. Until reading a few posts from a woman I know (who suffers quite badly with anxiety) who totally made my understanding of it clear. It’s not to say I thought it was made up, I just didn’t get it until it was explained in a way to me that made me go, “ah. Got it”. It was like somebody turned the lights on. So, news to me, I too have suffered with anxiety (mainly social anxiety) for probably most of my life. I’ve never known anything different and just assumed it was just the way I was. My personality. Now I haven’t done anything about it, but it makes it easier that I understand it is a condition. I have ‘episodes’ where I am worse. Bad patches. I find myself sinking and getting extremely worked up over the craziest things. Then there’s times where it’s at bay and I lead a much more relaxed life. Unfortunately it’s usually the latter but now I’ve come to terms with it I find it easier to manage mentally. I’m a massive overthinker. But it’s more than that. I worry about things you wouldn’t bat an eyelid at, I go over and over different scenarios in my head thinking about how my actions will make others feel, worrying I will upset someone, assuming they’re already annoyed at me and panicking that I will do something wrong. It sounds silly and mediocre but I do this to the point I stop talking to people at work, I avoid them and feel sick if I have to talk to them. I get so stressed about doing a certain job right till my heart beats fast and I’m on the verge of tears. I take my worry home and dwell on situations for days, sometimes even weeks on end. Sometimes I catch myself and remind myself that it truly doesn’t matter, that other person is not thinking what I think they are and that I really am being silly. I wish I could tell myself this all the time however it is rare that I catch myself in this state of mind until it’s too late. I find situations like this happen in my day to day life and I always assumed it was normal of me. Which I suppose it is but it shouldn’t be.
‘I imagine a life without this quirk called anxiety and I am so carefree! I aspire to this life. But finally I can start working towards it.’